What If Work Isn’t the Problem… But Who You Are Without It Feels Like One?
If the question “Who am I when I stop moving?” sets off inner alarm bells or feels like a fog rolled in and settled over your mind, your system might be trying to tell you something.
“Is this all there is?”
Another work week was coming to a close and I, like many others, was getting ready to shut down and sign off for the long holiday weekend. I was looking forward to the unscheduled time and lots of hours to relax and recharge. But I also had a twinge of anxiety running in the background and the words of others still swimming through my head.
“I’ve gotten so identified with work that I’m not sure I know who I am without it.”
“Work has defined so much of my life. It’s the thing I’m good at and know how to show up and do. But it hasn’t been very satisfying for awhile now and I don’t know what to do.”
“I feel like I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way. I want to know how I get myself back without the context of work?”
These are examples of several conversations I’ve had recently with clients in the last few weeks and months. To be clear, these aren’t clients nearing retirement age or who have stopped working or plan to in the near future. These are conversations with adults in the middle stages of life and career who happen to be questioning themselves and the path they’ve been on for years.
The silent crisis of mid-career professionals
These are conversations with professionals worried about layoffs or feeling the scarcity of job insecurity given the recent changes in the political and economic climate. These are conversations with individuals who despite having achieved so much in life, still feel a deep ache that something is missing and they can’t quite put their finger on what that is. These are conversations that are happening in therapists offices all over the country, tucked away quietly behind closed doors and the cloak of confidentiality. A place to unearth and speak out loud the inner thoughts and struggles that don’t get talked about openly with friends over dinner.
These are also conversations I’ve had with clients throughout much of my career over the past decade.
High-achieving… and deeply unfulfilled
Over the years, more and more people have shown up to my office with the same constellation of challenges and questions they are facing as they start to reach or are already in the middle phase of life. Most of them could easily be described as high-achievers, career-driven, or ambitious type-A types. However, they might not ever call themselves by any of those terms.
Because for them, work and being driven have been such a natural mode and way of being for so long that it’s hard to put an identifier on it. It’s simply who they are. They have always been strivers, pushing themselves to work hard, and to do or take on more. They have thrived in their careers and educational life, landing jobs as lawyers, doctors, consultants, directors, managers, and upper-level professionals in medium to large-scale organizations and prestigious companies.
Yet despite all of their professional achievements and obvious markers of success, something is still causing them to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. And their other natural tendency, besides working hard, is to blame themselves harshly when things go wrong.
“If I’ve got all of these good things and privileges, and I’m still unhappy, something must be wrong with me. I should quit complaining.”
They tell themselves and me as they sit across the couch.
Why fun feels like another job
“What do you like to do for fun?” I typically ask them at some point.
This is when I usually get a half-laugh and a sheepish glance. Most of their “free time” is jammed with life admin, parenting duties, or highly scheduled social plans that leave no breathing room. Rest? That’s a foreign concept, since most of their time outside of work is usually taken up by doing things that end up feeling like more work.
What’s often missing for them is a sense of permission and comfortability around doing less and simply relaxing. Things like letting themselves enjoy time connecting with others without feeling obligated to say yes to every invitation or finding a hobby that doesn’t feel like another thing to-do, but actually feels engaging and enjoyable. Or even simply having time with nothing scheduled and nothing at all to do.
Yet if we dig just a little deeper what we usually find is that when there’s a lull in their work projects or a slow down at the office or home, that’s when their anxiety and stress spike even more. Because now what?
“We cannot wait for the perfect space or opportunity to rest.
Rest now…
We must snatch rest. We must believe we are worthy of rest. We don’t have to earn it. It is our birthright. It is one of our most ancient and primal needs. Our bodies are a site of liberation; therefore, wherever our bodies are, we can embody rest.”
- Tricia Hersey
The shame spiral of success
Someone recently told me, “When things slow down at work, it makes me feel like less of an achiever. Or like I don’t deserve to have all of the privileges and comforts that my work or position in life provides.”
Ooph. That right there, is where the heart of our work typically lies.
When people come into my office complaining of feeling burnt out, overly stressed, disconnected, anxious, or even depressed about the current state of their lives and they can also be categorized as these highly successful achiever types, the issue usually isn’t that they are simply working too much.
What’s really underneath the burnout
Burnout isn’t just a result of too many hours or back-to-back meetings. Sure, at the surface level, that’s often what’s happening, but the core of the issue is much deeper.
There’s a deeper reason they’re showing up in life with this constant need to strive and prove themselves. Constantly feeling like they have to work harder, take on more, or can’t say no to things.
There’s a reason they feel undeserving of their success or the privileges they have earned. And there’s usually such discomfort with hitting a milestone of achievement that once the goal is met, they don’t even allow themselves to stop and enjoy it for very long before they’re off and running to the next task or project.
This is usually the real reason they are in my office. To uncover what is at the root of this pattern in life. To figure out why they can still feel so unhappy and dissatisfied even when they ostensibly have so much.
They are there not just to feel better, but to finally feel free.
Finding the answers to these existential questions, reasons behind these thoughts and patterns, and helping people figure out what to do about it and how to change what’s happening under the surface is what I love most about the work I do every day.
Where the real work begins
This is the kind of work I love most; getting to watch people slowly reclaim their own joy and agency. Because I know firsthand how powerful and life-changing it can be.
When someone tells me for the first time that they are starting to learn how to enjoy having more downtime in their busy lives or making time to do something that they really love, my heart starts to sing.
When they tell me that they are practicing speaking up for themselves and their needs rather than always giving in to what someone else wants or needs from them I cheer.
When they tell me that they are starting to feel more compassion for themselves, or they like themselves more, or they feel more relaxed and calm even in the face of stress or discomfort because they know they will be able to get through it without also losing themselves it honestly brings tears to my eyes.
Most of the time, people come to my office and aren’t sure exactly what’s really wrong with them; they just know that something is off and things don’t feel good. Life feels like a complicated and knotted-up ball of yarn that they aren’t sure how to pick their way through and unravel. Over the course of working together, many sometimes in a matter of only six to eight months, can start to see their way through the fog that’s been sitting with them for twice as long, if not longer. And they slowly start to shift how they see things, think about things, and how they feel.
A love note to my clients
It’s truly such an honor to be a part of this journey with clients, and I’m grateful that they’ve given me the permission to walk with them as they do this powerful work.
And as Mental Health Awareness Month nears a close, I want to take a moment to say thank you to every single person who I have worked with throughout my career. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for letting me into your lives when things were the hardest. And thank you for letting me stay to witness when things were also at their best or getting better, and we got to celebrate them together.
It’s such a privilege to be part of this journey with you.
If any of this sounds familiar…
For anyone reading this who may be thinking about starting therapy, let this be the sign to give it a chance. Your mental health is one of the most important factors of overall health and well-being. Imagine what successes or celebrations you’d like to have and enjoy in your future, and consider starting that process now. Imagine how it might feel to enjoy not only how you spend your time, but the rest of your life outside of work and still feel a strong sense of identity or purpose.
I promise you, you are not here on this earth to live to work. You are meant to work to live! You deserve to live and enjoy life without constantly feeling the push of striving or filling up your schedule. You deserve to just be, and I promise you are still valuable and worthy of having all the good things in life.
