Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Shape Your Relationships
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating that develop early in life in our relationship with our primary caregivers. They’re based on the ways we were cared for, comforted, or responded to as children. It’s these experiences we have that form the patterns that quietly shape how we connect with others as adults, such as how much we trust, how we handle conflict, and whether relationships feel safe or stressful.
Take this example:
You’re in a relationship with someone who wants more closeness. They say things like, “I just want to feel more connected to you,” but when they reach for you, something in you pulls back. You might feel overwhelmed, turned off, or irritated, like they’re asking for something you’re not sure how to give (or if you even want to at that moment). And even when you want to open up, you find yourself shutting down instead.
Or maybe you have the opposite experience: you’re the one reaching out, craving reassurance, closeness, or clarity, but feeling rejected or pushed away by your partner. You start to feel like you're either too much or not enough for your partner to really stay close.
These moments of shutting down or chasing connection are often shaped by our attachment style. These aren’t just habits. They’re rooted in deep-seated attachment needs. Needs for safety, consistency, and emotional connection, all or some of which may not have been fully met in childhood.
The good news? While these patterns form early, they’re not fixed. And with the right support, insight, and relational experiences, you can shift how you show up in relationships and begin to build the kind of connection that feels steady, mutual, and safe.
Let’s break it down further.
The Four Types of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory describes four primary styles of connecting in relationships. The two main categories are Secure Attachment and Insecure Attachment. Insecure Attachment has three subtypes: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Keep in mind these aren’t diagnoses, but relational patterns, shaped by early experiences, that influence how we give and receive love as adults.
Here’s a quick look at each style:
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with emotional closeness and independence. They can ask for what they need, trust their partner’s intentions, and handle conflict without shutting down or lashing out. This doesn’t mean they never struggle, but their relationships often feel like a safe place to land.
2. Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness and reassurance but worry that others will pull away. They might feel sensitive to shifts in tone or timing (“Why haven’t they texted back?”), and can struggle with overthinking, people-pleasing, or fear of abandonment, especially in romantic relationships.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Those with avoidant attachment typically value independence and may feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability. They often keep people at arm’s length, especially when things start to feel too intimate or uncertain. Underneath, there’s often a deep desire for connection, but also a fear of being overwhelmed, engulfed, or hurt.
4. Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)
This style combines traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with disorganized attachment often feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing it. They might swing between pulling people in and pushing them away, unsure of how to feel safe in relationships. This style is often linked to early relational trauma or unpredictable caregiving.
Reflection Prompt
As you read through these descriptions, did one of them feel uncomfortably familiar?
You might notice yourself in just one or see pieces of several. That’s normal. Attachment isn’t a rigid label, and sometimes we can show up with one style in certain relationships and another in a different set of relationships. Remember, attachment styles are a set of patterns that can shift and soften over time, especially when we begin to understand where they come from and what purpose they are serving or what they’re trying to protect.
If you’re feeling curious or even a little unsettled by what came up, that’s okay. Awareness is the first step toward change.
“Although secure attachment can sound out of reach or like a fantasy goal for many of us, it’s how we’re fundamentally designed to operate. No matter how unattainable it seems, secure attachment is always there, just waiting to be uncovered, recalled, practiced, and expressed. We might lose access to it from time to time, but we never lose our inherent capacity for secure attachment.”
- Dianne Poole Heller
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! Attachment styles can absolutely change. But not in a quick-fix, overnight kind of way.
Shifting your attachment style is all about learning how to feel safer, both with yourself and with others. It’s the slow, awareness-building process of noticing your patterns, understanding where they come from, and practicing new ways of showing up and relating that feel more honest and secure.
Here’s an example of what I often see with clients:
Someone who is an intelligent, independent adult and can clearly see the issues going on for them, i.e., “I never feel fully supported or seen in relationships,” or “I can’t ever seem to get enough reassurance.” This person is successful in some areas of their life but also feels out of their depth in close relationships.
They deeply crave connection and to have a relationship that feels easy and secure, but often feel dismissed, rejected, or misunderstood when they try to open up. When someone gets too close, they start to shut down. When someone pulls away, they begin to feel a familiar feeling of being left on their own.
Underneath it all is a deep belief: “My needs and emotions are too much. People don’t really want to know me.”
In therapy, we don’t just talk about these patterns; we work with them directly. Using AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), we create a space where they can begin to bring more of their emotional self into the room. They practice naming feelings in real time, staying present in the discomfort, and offering themselves the kind of care they never received in past relationships.
Over time, that changes everything. Clients began to feel more grounded in their own experience and more open to letting others in. They still value their independence, but it no longer comes at the cost of closeness.
Real change isn’t about flipping into a new “category,” it’s about creating a gradual, deeply personal shift toward emotional safety, relational trust, and self-compassion.
What Happens When Attachment Wounds Run Deep?
For some people, attachment struggles go beyond immediate relationship patterns. They reflect deeper emotional wounds that have never had the chance to heal.
If you grew up in a home where love was inconsistent, conditional, or completely absent, your nervous system may still be bracing for those same dynamics. As an adult, this can show up as intense fear of abandonment, chronic mistrust, or a feeling that no relationship ever really feels safe, no matter how much you want it to.
You might notice:
It feels hard to rely on anyone, even people you care about
You expect rejection or disappointment, even in “good” relationships
When conflict happens, you either shut down or become overwhelmed by emotion
Part of you craves closeness, while another part fears it
These are signs of attachment wounds that haven't been fully processed, not that you're broken or beyond help.
In clinical terms, this can sometimes be referred to as an attachment disorder in adults. But in my work, I focus less on labels and more on helping you understand what these patterns are protecting, and how to begin building a new kind of inner safety. This is the deep change and healing that can occur in therapy with someone skilled in relational trauma work.
If any of this resonates, you're not alone. And more importantly, you’re not stuck.
How to Repair an Insecure Attachment
Repairing insecure attachment doesn’t mean erasing or reliving your entire history. It means learning how to feel safer in your relationships—how to trust, connect, and show up more fully as yourself, without fear that it will cost you love or belonging.
This work takes time. It’s not about mastering the “right” way to relate or becoming a perfect partner. Perfection simply does not exist. Instead, the focus is on building a new kind of relationship with yourself first. One that allows for emotional honesty, self-compassion, and self-love, and in the process leads to a healthy connection with others.
Here are a few ways that healing can begin:
Noticing your patterns with curiosity, not judgment.
Staying present when emotions or intimacy feel hard to tolerate.
Practicing boundaries that honor your needs—not just others.’
Letting others in one step at a time, even when it feels unfamiliar.
Doing the emotional work of giving yourself the care you may have never received.
In therapy, this repair work often starts in the room between us.
With AEDP, we slow down together to help you connect to what’s really happening in your emotional world. The goal isn’t just to think about your patterns, but to actually experience new, safer ways of being seen, known, and supported in the moment.
This process can lead to what’s known as earned secure attachment, where, through healing relationships and intentional work, you begin to relate to yourself and others from a place of trust, clarity, and self-worth. AEDP supports this shift by not only helping you process painful relational experiences but also by focusing on the positive changes you’re making and your system’s innate capacity to heal, grow, and connect.
Over time, you might find that the parts of you that once protected against closeness start to soften because connection no longer feels like a threat.
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful first step, but it’s just the beginning. Real healing happens through experience: when you’re supported in showing up more fully, feeling your emotions without fear, and practicing new ways of connecting that feel safe and mutual.
If this is the kind of change you're longing for, I’d be honored to support you.
Reflection Prompt
Take a moment to consider:
When do you feel safest in relationships—and what makes that safety possible?
What patterns do you notice yourself repeating, even when you don’t want to?
What would a more secure, connected version of you look or feel like?
You don’t need all the answers right now. Simply starting to ask the questions is a form of change.
If you’re curious about this work, I invite you to schedule a consultation to explore whether therapy together could be a good fit. You can also read more about AEDP therapy here for a deeper look at how this approach supports attachment healing and emotional growth.
Bonus Opportunity: If you're looking for a supportive space to deepen your understanding of attachment—and reflect on your own story—I’m leading an upcoming attachment-focused writing group: Securely Attached. The next round starts March 6th.
Click here to learn more and register.
You don’t have to keep navigating relationships from a place of fear or disconnection. Change is possible, and it doesn’t have to happen alone.
